Keeping Up With the Clintons: How the Bidens Went Broke, and How to Fix It

Five ways the disgraced family can earn enough to fund their lavish lifestyle

Mark Halperin reports on what is likely the real reason behind Joe Biden’s return to the public spotlight in recent days, which some have suggested is an attempt to “fight back” against damning revelations about his cognitive decline. “Biden, Inc., needs a source of revenue,” he said, citing a source familiar with the Biden family. “The trough is empty, the spigot has shut down. They need a way to get back in the game to make big money to have the grandchildren fed and clothed and flown first class.” Joe and his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, are both working on books that no one will want to read. (A Jill Biden biography released in 2022 sold just 250 copies in its first week.) Joe’s debut on the paid speaking circuit did not go well, and most Democrats want nothing to do with him, for obvious reasons. “The country would be better served if he rode off into the sunset,” one Democrat operative told Politico last month.

Most Americans would agree that what’s happening to the Bidens is painfully tragic and unfair. That explains why Jill Biden was so desperate to stay in the White House, her husband’s dementia be damned. The Biden family went from living large to begging for pardons to stay out of prison. Biden’s exit from the political arena means his son, Hunter, and brother, Jim, no longer have anything of value to offer the world. The prospects for maintaining the “lavish lifestyle” to which the Bidens have grown accustomed are not especially bright, Halperin said, noting that Hunter “does not have great earning capacity” these days. The degenerate crackhead admitted in court that he’s struggling with “significant” debts due the decline in “sales” of his “artwork,” which have failed to cover his hefty child support bill for the daughter he denied was his while (falsely) denouncing her mother as a common prostitute he didn’t remember sleeping with.

Who among us can’t relate to these everyday financial challenges? It’s especially sad when you consider the extravagant wealth the Clintons and Obamas have managed to accumulate since leaving office. Just imagine the emotional trauma of watching the families of former presidents ensconced in coveted luxury and mingling with celebrities at Martha’s Vineyard and the Hamptons, while you’re stuck at Rehoboth Beach in Delaware playing pickleball with a couple of gay dentists. After everything they have so honorably sacrificed for this country, the Bidens deserve so much better, especially Dr. Jill, who has grown accustomed to “the trappings of the most elite levels of Washington power,” according to the journalists Jonathan Martin and Amie Parnes. Every patriotic American should be thinking of ways to help the Bidens get rich enough to ensure their descendants will never again have to fly public, drive a non-luxury vehicle, attend a state university, or check into a rehab facility that doesn’t even have a spa. We’ve done our part by coming up with the following suggestions. Enjoy!

Cameo: It worked for George Santos, the disgraced former congressman who said he earned more money making shareable videos for paying fans than he did as a public official. It’s not the most dignified option, and it’s susceptible to pranks. For example, Jimmy Kimmel got Santos to congratulate one of his staffers for “coming out as a Furry.” But you gotta start somewhere. At some point, he could graduate to the slightly more respectable career of “person who gets paid to go to parties and take selfies.”

GoFundMe: Seasoned grifters know that one of the easiest ways to get other people to give you their money is by asking for it. Just tell them it’s for a fancy new wheelchair for your dying “pop.” Thank them for their kindness, then enjoy the drive to the Hamptons in your new Lamborghini SUV.

OnlyFans: Hunter is an experienced “content creator” who loves making money and having sex. It’s a perfect fit. He could rake in the cash doing “collabs” with celebrity widows, MTV Teen Mom alums, or that lady who wouldn’t stop yelling the n-word at a playground (who just raised $600,000 on GoFundMe).

Crypto(?): We’re not really sure how it works, but Hunter can probably figure out what a “rug pull” is and how to do it. Worth a shot. He could even partner with other grifters to juice his profits—MARKLECOIN has a nice ring to it.

Reality TV: If the Bidens had been a little more business savvy and a little less obsessed with staying in power, they would have invited a camera crew into the White House to film all the shenanigans that took place there over the past four years. A terrible political decision, obviously, but they could have made a fortune selling the rights to that footage. The options are more limited now, unless he’s willing to gain 200 pounds and try to lose it in a televised competition.